"Report Card for Parents"

Report cards are just one lens to see children

Sometimes I forget how stressful it is to be a student. Tomorrow my boys begin their semester finals and soon after will face the "moment of truth." Report cards will come home, and we’ll know just how well they’ve measured up to the academic challenges of high school.

It’s been years since I received a report card—at least I thought it had been. Just a few days ago I was cleaning out old files and came across copies of a “Report Card for Parents” that Grant and Mark had each filled out for me (http://tiny.cc/z1bee). Back in the day, I was a pretty good student, so I was very disappointed to see that Mark, addressing the report card to “Mrs. Perry,” had given me one glaring “F.” (My turn to be stressed.) Evidently, I failed at watching TV with him. Ouch. Grant had given me a failing grade in the same area. Double ouch.

It turns out I am among “many parents surprised by how much children want adults to watch TV with them.” I admit, for me, TV is often just background noise. It’s what goes on while I’m fixing dinner, doing dishes, folding clothes, matching socks, or doing any number of other multitasking-type jobs. Rarely do I have the luxury of actually sitting and concentrating solely on television, and, when I do slow down enough to watch a movie, I fall asleep almost every time. Apparently, just being in the same room with my boys while the TV is on does not qualify me for a good grade. Instead, according to Dr. Berg-Cross, to be a really great parent, I should plunk down right next to my kids and show my “desire to share what interests them.”

The problem is I outgrew cartoons when I was nine years old, and these boys still like watching animated shows like "Naruto" and “Teen Titans,” which I find confusing if not mindless. I’ve also tried very hard to be interested in their violent boy movies, but I am so tired of seeing people and buildings and cars and everything else being blown up by yet another amazingly “sick” weapon. I don’t make them sit through romantic comedies, but could we compromise on a good drama?

Actually, just last weekend we watched a movie together that we all agreed on. Moneyball chronicles the years General Manager Billy Beane tried to transform the Oakland A’s into a winning team. During that “bridesmaid” period, the team came close more than once to winning big but could never quite cinch the deal. Even though they didn’t win the World Series, the A’s did improve overall as a team, thanks to another report-card-type system devised by a young Econ grad from Yale. Instead of calculating players’ worth using typical baseball stats, he measured their potential success according to a much longer list of skills and data that could, collectively, help a team earn runs. With this more complete profile, players who were previously overlooked took on new value.

Similarly, the Parent Report Card gives kids many (25) different ways to evaluate their parents. From my report cards, I could see that not too long ago my boys thought I was affectionate (3. Gives me hugs. 4. Tells me . . . she loves me.) and that I made a nice home for them (6. Is nice to my friends. 9. Cooks good meals. 10. Keeps the house nice. 18. Makes the holidays special). But both agreed I needed to work on being calm (14. Doesn’t scream at me when angry.) Gulp. I was humored that Grant thought I lacked a little in teaching him about the birds and the bees (23. Answers my questions about sex.), whereas Mark gave me no grade at all, scratching out the “s” word altogether. Room for improvement? Sure. Do I get a second chance at this mothering stuff? Of course. In fact, the report card is designed to be completed once a month and discussed during a personal interview! Double gulp.

At least we parents, with so many criteria, have a fighting chance of doing something right. By the same token, we would do well to look at our children through many lenses, measuring them by more than just their school report cards. After all, like successful teams, strong families are made up of many qualities. Of course, we'll always have things to work on. For example, both Mark and Grant thought I could improve on the last item listed: 25. Is understanding about poor grades. Who knows? They may give me a second chance to shine in that area very soon.

The report card was taken from the article, "A Report Card for Parents," by Eleanor Berman in Working Mother, January 1993, 41-43.  http://tiny.cc/z1bee